akzseinga

About the need of solitude & taking the time for healing | MC #79

“Healing is not an overnight process; it is a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life.” — Leon Brown

I haven’t been posting in a while and skipped a few of the Weekly Reports. Some of you noticed that fact and reached out to me for which I am truly thankful. I’m deeply sorry for every message I have left without a reply. There was no energy in me to handle it.

I agonized for days about whether I should write this issue explaining my absence. What finally made me do this was this deep urge to keep things real here. I don’t know how about you, but I can’t stand that toxic positivity bullshit, full of fake smiles, sharing only perfectly polished success stories that are now ubiquitous on social media. Sometimes things are far from good, and nice. The societal pressure to keep the darker sides of our lives a secret is sick. Battling with life’s obstacles alone shouldn’t be the default option. We are allowed to talk about our pain and reach out for support. Showing sadness, disappointment, or anger doesn’t make us look weak, but simply more human. There’s a high possibility that you are not well too, and reading about another person, who is going through something hard may make you feel less alone. It is okay to not be okay.

February crushed and destroyed me. I doubt I will ever be open enough to share here what exactly happened. What I can say is that it was the most painful experience of my life so far. I found shelter in solitude and began a healing process hidden in my safe space. There are days when I feel like I was run over and turned inside out. But once in a while, I almost feel like my usual self.

When life serves you the most difficult challenges imaginable, you experience a sicklishly wide range of emotions and different states. Throughout this month, I felt:

✧ hopeful

✧ strong

✧ brave

✧ motivated

✧ purposeful

✧ invigorated

✧ focused

✧ alert

✧ worried

✧ anxious

✧ stressed

✧ overwhelmed

✧ vulnerable

✧ helpless

✧ scared

✧ powerless

✧ tired

✧ weak

✧ numb

✧ frozen

✧ hurt

✧ frustrated

✧ crushed

✧ destroyed

✧ devastated

✧ broken

✧ traumatized

✧ drained

✧ empty

✧ naked

✧ angry

✧ furious

✧ embittered

✧ exhausted

…and simply sad.

After every traumatizing experience, there is a long road before we can truly accept what happened and return to the new normal. Our inner defense systems have to loosen up first. The phase of emotionally unfreezing can be a long process. When for weeks you are mainly focused on staying strong and mobilized to be able to face reality, you build an emotional dam inside of you. Only after it breaks you can slowly start processing these gathered emotions, one at a time, with acceptance and openness. It is essential to let yourself feel all your feels at your own pace. That is for sure easier said than done. Currently, I am going through this phase, and damn how uneasy it feels in reality…

“Whatever comes, we let it be as it is. When we do this, we come to see, in this moment or the next, our emotions always moving. The word emotion has its roots in the Latin ‘movere’ and ‘emovere’ meaning ‘to move through’ and ‘to move out’. Our emotions move in us, move through us, and move between us. And when we allow them to move freely, they change, perhaps scarcely and perhaps gradually - but inevitably.

This is grief's most piercing message: there is no way around - the only way in through.” ― Joanne Cacciatore (Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief)

In the darkest times, all priorities shift so you can focus solely on what is most important. There is no room for any dramas or unnecessaries. You get clarity about who your people are and with whom you feel safe enough to share the most intimate thoughts.

It is surprising how sorrowful things can bring people closer together and make you strengthen bonds. Going through these hardest times without support and understanding from my closest family and friends would be much more tiring and painful than it already is. I am aware I am one lucky gal to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank you with all of my heart for your ongoing support and loving attention.

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feeling crushed & destroyed

What also helps tremendously in slightly untangling my thoughts and soothing my mind is music. It’s scientifically proven that sounds heal and make the brain remove toxins. After every listening session, I actually feel a little better. Time spent curled up into a ball under a blanket with headphones on truly regenerates your body and calms nerves. Today's playlist is an effect of such listening sessions. It is filled with sad, nostalgic songs, as it is too soon for me to listen to uplifting, warm sounds. I know it will happen eventually. Something will shift internally, and I will reach another healing phase. But for now, I am in a sad and mournful state of mind.

“Listening to music has a positive impact on our health, by helping us recover faster when we experience stress, and through the reduction of the stress hormone cortisol, to help us achieve a calm state or homeostasis.”

— Alex Doman, Music Producer and author of “Healing at the Speed of Sound”

The title of today’s issue - akzseinga is my name spelled backward. As I currently feel turned inside out, it is quite accurate, I think. What inspired me was the title of the opening song of today's mix and my favorite Aphex Twin song - "aisatsana" (Anastasia is his wife’s name). Its melody works magic on me and leaves me speechless at how many strings it pulls in one stroke.

If you are currently going through something devastating or just uneasy yourself, I hope you will find a little comfort and ease in listening to this playlist ❤️‍🩹.

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Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read this. I wish I could tell you when I return to writing regularly here. But for now, it is simply impossible, sorry. For now, all I need is solitude, and space to process all the pain. I hope you understand.

May March treat you well.

Yours,