looking at clouds moving on the sky ☁︎☁︎☁︎

On grief and longing | MC #94

"Never go to bed in anger. Always resolve conflicts right away."

That was my beloved Grandpa Janek’s golden piece of advice. No grudges, no simmering resentment, he always taught us to sort things out before going to sleep, before the day is over.

My Granddad unexpectedly passed away this Easter. Since then, not a single day has gone by without me thinking of him, missing him terribly.

Some people’s presence instantly lights up the room, like sunshine. My Grandfather was like that. He radiated a warm, kind, and calm energy that made everyone feel instantly at ease. You felt completely safe, seen, and heard when he spoke with you. I don’t think he had a single mean bone in his body. And I honestly have zero bad memories of him. Not one moment of unfairness, not a single hurtful word. It feels almost impossible, but it’s true. With him, I felt fully loved and accepted exactly as I was.

Grandpa Janek was a real-life proof that the movement is life. He exercised daily, regardless of mood, weather, or age (he nearly reached 94). His discipline and resilience constantly inspired and empowered me, especially during my hardest health struggles. He showed me what it meant to be truly persistent.

After last year’s series of losses (akzseinga, 16 Lessons From Grief), I thought I had read every poem about grief that could surprise or comfort me. But I was wrong.

“I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.”

— "Grief" by Gwen Flowers

This poem puts it perfectly. Grief doesn’t end. It reshapes you. Updates you. You become a different version of yourself. Grief isn’t a journey with a clear destination. It’s a slow, ongoing transformation. It changes how you see the world and yourself.

Lately, I often take the time to sit and look at the clouds and planes moving on the sky. In moments like these, I think of my pilot Grandpa. I admired his strength and bravery so much. He flew millions of kilometers, visited every continent, and sat at the controls of many different types of aircraft. He was our family’s rock, sky wizard (recognized planes by sound), garden whisperer (even a stick would sprout leaves with him), excellent storyteller, and peacemaker. Without him, nothing will ever be the same…

Today’s playlist is a musical balm with soft, gentle sounds for anyone carrying loss or longing ❤️‍🩹. If you’re feeling that too, I hope it offers you a little comfort.

Until the next time,